I remember getting off the bus and walking a few feet downtown. It was around 6. I was going to meet a friend at a thrift store, Sasha probably. Usually Sasha and I do stuff like that whenever we hang out. I was headed down Donald towards the cube. Then some jackass ran into me, knocked himself down, got back up and just kept running! Couldn't believe it. No human decency. Personally I could go either way without someone apologizing because how people treat you is just a reflection of themselves, but it just felt off. Symbolic of the times I guess. Where even friendly little Manitoba was turning ugly. Then I turned myself and saw the times were at an end.
I grew up a Jehovah's witness so I knew this was gonna happen. I left the religion don't get me wrong, but it wasn't because I stopped believing in it. I still thought oh yeah, god is going to come and fuck shit up one day. I left because I disagreed with him. My parents argued I needed more faith and that I wasn't thinking right, but I thought I was thinking just fine. But isn't that just another paradox? No clue. Doesn't matter now. Nothing matters now except what we did in our lives, because now big man upstairs is here. God, or his kid Jesus is here and he's going to destroy this world and make it into something better, for him and all the meek ones. Sure man. Kind of bullshit my life suddenly has to end cause you don't fuck with my life choices that you let me choose but hey, maybe I'm just a narcissist right?
I looked up and saw the holy man riding on horse back with an army of holy beings coming forward, and then I looked down and saw everyone else looking up in horror or shock or fear or surprise or, somehow, stoicism. I saw a lot of reactions. One thing I'm certain I didn't see, though, was my expression. I didn't care. My whole life I thought I'd be excited about all this. Like yeah hey, the world that wronged you for so long is finally coming undone, even if it's being replaced by one that you don't want. But nope. I don't really care about it. I'm just here, having my day, and life I guess but that one's way less important, disturbed by this holy matrimony thing who hates his brother (satan.) Whatever bro. Family squabbles have never been my beat. God knows I never got along with most of my family.
Nothing to do now but think. It looks like it's coming on pretty strong right now. Storms and firey volcanos are popping up everywhere. I think I even feel an earthquake, which is literally geologically impossible in Manitoba fun fact. Strong earthquakes too. Ground is opening up, buildings falling over, all of it. Crazy shit, seriously.
Well, if there's one thing left I want, it's just to watch. I had life goals before this. Had a bucket list and everything. Had some funny shit on there too, like learning how to backflip, getting stuck in an elevator and having sex one day. Oh well. Maybe I can run into one of these buildings and push all the elevator buttons until the building comes down. But no, then I wouldn't be able to watch. It'd be a great bit though, oh god it would be a great bit.... nah this'll be the one time I don't commit to the bit actually. Lord forgive me for not committing. Everything else I don't care about, but forgive me that I didn't commit to this bit.
I probably have way less time than this, but my guts telling me I got 20 minutes, and my gut can see the future. Man, remember all those times we felt something in the future and it ended up being true? And then, oh yeah and then we got confused on what was a real, natural feeling and what was us forcing it. But then we knew in our mind that if we had to question it, we probably made it up. But oh come on, humans are emotional thinkers right? Especially us. So we always wanted to believe in it, but knew we shouldn't. God humans are so weird and contradictory man.
Wish I had a lawn chair right now. The plan was always to just, sit in the middle of the street and watch. But I mean cmon, this isn't the sight we thought it'd be. If this weren't literally a guaranteed end of the world, no hope situation we'd probably be going all out to help these folks any way we can. They're running and screaming, falling in holes, and losing themselves all around us. But at this point, there is no point, man. I want to help people, but I can't do anything to fix it. If anything, I'd probably make it worse. We probably would together. We did last time so, might as well sit it out, man.
Y'know I think I finally realize why I say we all the time. It's because my body is a heart, brain, and trillions of cells. That's how we always saw people. Life itself was always so, so hard to comprehend, yknow? Like sure this thing might be alive, but what's the definition of alive, really? Like oh sure cells, but god knows those cells are made of the same stuff a rock is at the lowest atomic level, so what's the difference? And is it really me who's alive, or is it just every individual cell stitched together in such special ways? I mean god knows I'm just the result of my life, so how can I be alive if I'm just a computer outputting information? Shit, how am I supposed to see any of this as alive? What the hell are those angels made of? Probably not cells. Does that mean they're inanimate? Clearly not so... who knows? Maybe that's why I saw everything in black and white, maybe that's why I called myself king of the dead realm. Because 'life' never really made sense, yknow? Maybe death was just an easier pill to swallow conceptually so we just went with it, us and our conglomerate of cells n other shit.
Speaking of death, remember when we almost died coming home from that tournament? Well considering I have like 15 minutes left we might as well tell us our story, right? Coming back from Brandon, taking a depression nap because we once again failed in smash bros, and man was that a treacherous road. Couldn't believe what the fuck I was looking at when I woke up. Roads were fine when we left Brandon, but now the snow was like a thousand serpents, just slithering up and down the highway, waiting to bite. And bite they did. We were parked on the highways' roadside. You asked Ryan what was up and he told you we had car troubles! Him and Brendan were pretty chill about it thankfully. They tried driving on it a bit, but man was it bad. It was like a fucking bumper car if you remember. Just wobbling to the left right left right left right left right. Just, such weird stuff. Couldn't see five feet in front of us either. Wind was winding hard, and snow was slithering strong. I still remember pulling up on the left side of the highway and seeing, what was it? 5 cars pulled over? With one semi truck at the forefront. We still tried driving a bit, but god were the three of us sussed out. We were already half an hour away from Brandon though, so man we didn't have too many options. I explicitly remember what happens next, and the feeling of it. You were still half asleep, swaying back and forth in the middle back seat when you saw a bright light! And it was getting brighter, indicating proximity! Your first thought was woah, aliens! It's aliens! Finally, something bigger than just the normal! Paranormal! But no, it isn't aliens. Aliens aren't real, and oh my god knows they wouldn't come to Manitoba as their first destination. That was your second thought. Your third one, though, was that you were about to die. And you accepted it. We didn't accept it, because as soon as Ryan piloted the car barely out of the way of the semitruck going 100, we gave you enough adrenaline to keep you up all night. You yelled what the fuck with Brendan, breathed heavily, realized you just accepted your own death with open arms, and stepped back from the ledge, traumatized. The three of you sat there, with a guest appearance from an older lady in shock, for an hour forty five, waiting to get out. You remember that fireman? Shit I remember that fireman. So we ended up in Carberry Manitoba for the night, where we bought two plastic water bottles that we still have, and we texted all the people we used to care about with the exception of the ones we wronged but still cared for, and said I love you and thank you. Then we stayed up all night, because of adrenaline, and because that motel was hotter than hell is about to be. Seriously, give us hell instead of another night in the Carberry Inn or whatever the hell that was.
See at the time, you thought you were scared of death now. You couldn't connect with it. You even changed from being Kodra to being nothing at all. But eventually you forgot the feeling and went back to Kodra like nothing happened. Why is that, do you think? Do you think it's because you forget, or because you don't learn your lesson?
That's a big character flaw, right? You don't seem to learn. So many friends who we respected over the years said the same. How can you sit there and want to do better for those around you, just to go and make the same mistakes? But it's not just in mistakes, but in everything. How many times did you go back to things that hurt you? Like competitive pokemon. After everything that happened with Aaron and all that shit, you went back soooooo many times. This isn't a criticism of you, brain. This is a diagnosis. You can't let go. Hell, you haven't let go of the ex yet. You were thinking about her just yesterday, and the day before that, and before that, and probably before that too. I don't think it makes you a bad human, I think you're just flawed. I don't think you're a full blown narcissist, just that you've got tendencies. You're working on them, though. God knows that's all you do. But still, you aren't allowed just to discount their claims, because if you do, then you are a narcissist. You're not certain of your own head these days, and your rock was taken from you. Or maybe you just broke it. You probably broke it. It is probably your fault, but that doesn't make you unsalvageable. It doesn't make any of you unsalvageable.
Not that it matters now, though. It's the end, and there's nowhere left to crawl back to.
Ow! That hurt! Those rocks are sharp. Why the hell are meteors reigning down right now? Isn't that a little excessive for the almighty? Better be careful. Our one last wish to the universe was these twenty minutes, so we can't really afford to die. But no, if the universe really did love us, it'll protect us from god for the last twelve we have left, right? Surely so I'd hope. Well, time to prove yourself universe. Prove to me you do care, and that you aren't cold and uncaring. Don't let me die for the next twelve minutes. Thanks.
Well what do you think? Did the universe actually care? Did it look out for us, or was the space just a space? You called out to the universe for things all the time, like someone who perfectly got you and wouldn't leave. Then you found Nicole, and she left. Is that why you wrote fuck the universe in a drunken state on the card behind your TV? Or was it the lifetime of no that the universe told you? Think about how much you tried to do for it while still exerting freedom. But maybe that was the problem. The universe gave you a sense of the future for a reason, yknow. That gut feeling was what's supposed to happen. So if you went against it, exerted your freedom, the universe put you back on track. But then that raises a question. Assuming this is real, and it's what really did happen, who's fault is it? Because the universe gave you ups and downs, but it didn't give a lot of permanent and positive change, and any time you tried to make positive change for yourself, it punished you. But you never stopped trying. You always, and I mean you always tried to make a better world for yourself. You were selfish. Again, not a criticism, just a fact. You acted unselfishly with others, with mixed results, and I'm sure the universe took note of that too, but when you wanted something you pursued it. But it never really worked out for you, did it? All the smash pride you had, all that you had to prove by competing there, the universe never wanted it for you, did it? Still did it, and now you regret it. Same with all the girls. You really have a big heart, I'd know because I am it, and I know how much hope you clung to with it. Hope that this time would be different. Hope that this time, the universe would reward the effort you put in at the time and grant you that which you sought. But it didn't. Most of the time. Sometimes real change happened. Like when we met Celyna, we knew in our heart that we'd end up with her as soon as Colton pulled her over. And boom you did. But you used all your karma points on those two months, and now you've fallen again. That's the cost of freedom: Consequences.
Maybe we're just rambling and none of this is true, but this is always how you rationalized it. And hey, you're still alive as god's angels sweep the land so, who knows? Maybe it's all legit.
Funny how you chose this as your last wish: To not die just yet. Why? Your big heart could've wished for friends, family or love to surround you in these last moments, but instead you chose this. Twenty minutes at the end of the world, to yourself. And at this point it is all to yourself, because all the people have ran away while you're just standing next to a minefield of meteors and swallowed evil while angels race past us on high. You got your wish, so congrats. But then maybe you only wished for this because you knew it was the most plausible. That'd be a pretty decent reason, too. The safe bet, no room for doubts, which you have so many of, which you hate, which you don't want to have in this last moment. You overthink and over examine until you overstimulate, overreact, and crash out. Again, none of this is a criticism. We all think in different ways and we're all super far from perfect. This is just what there's left to think about at the end.
Actually, you know what normally helps with thinking? Music. How raw would it be to listen to our shit and do our final piece of dance before the world ends, hey? I bet the little camera man broadcasting our life like a little tv show would find that fun. Let's see. Oh. Soundclouds down. Makes sense. Worlds literally ending. Well, let me see what songs I have screen recorded.
Ten feet down by NF. Perfect. Our favorite song from Nathan, which really is saying something. We used this song to dance and let go of ourselves during shitty shifts when we still worked at fuck ass M&M Meats. God bless this song. Hot days, cold nights, staring down at an empty cup like, Ima fil Ima fil it up. All day, all night ten feet down nearly my whole life, but I'll be rising rising up. God Nathan you get it. My protagonist syndrome/narcissistic personality has to rise up. That's the phoenix, right? We wanted to rise up and be reborn every time. Maybe not now because that'd be in a world I don't want, but we always found a way out of ourselves, out of our mistakes to grow. We had to restart a lot, but every time we did it lasted a little bit longer, showing we at least got better. That's why Nathan said nearly my whole life, because it wasn't always. Sometimes we'll be rising rising up, and we did. But we fell ten feet down again, as everyone does. But that's just life, right? A million, trillion, googleplex amount of small factors pushing each other around like a pool ball until the eight ball is sunk and something happens. Cause and effect, it's such a grand scheme. Whoever came up with that one, they really got their shit. Newton observed it maybe with his little second law, but whoever INVENTED cause and effect? That's a really creative thing right there. But that raises the question, too. Did we rise up, or did cause and effect just allow us to rise up? Was it me, or was it everything?
Well I like to think it's both. When people do things, they have a purpose in mind, right? Obviously. I mean, at least I do. Usually it isn't the purpose I end up at, but I have that purpose in mind. I have that thing I want to do, and whether cause and effect sways that way is up to it. Is it up to it though? Because I guess that implies cause and effect is alive, which makes zero sense. But either way, we still try to aim at the eight ball with our cause and effect, whether it be striped or solid, and we try to sink our outcome. Well, all I know is I've never been too solid a shot at pool, so maybe this isn't the right metaphor for us.
Oh wow, maybe the universe really is on our side this time. God's angels are gone. They've moved on to the next city or province or some shit. Maybe they're just at the palomino club waiting for booty shake Mondays. Silly angels. It's Saturday! Guess it's just me now, then.
Ah well. Guess it's just me, now.
Hello?
Oh you can't be serious.
Hi, sir. Are you the Save-On-Foods guy?
I mean I was, but I don't think that place'll be open now, so.
Can you help me? I'm really thirsty.
That's your main concern right now? You want water? Where are your parents, kid? Who's watching over you?
No one, sir. I don't know where they went. Can you help me?
...
Yeah. Come on, kid. Red River College isn't too far from here. We can get water there. We gotta hurry, though. World ends in 8 minutes. Come on! Let's run!
Okay right down this street. Turn this corner, yea straight down here. Okay yea that big building right there. Here's my keycard. Do you want me to show you?
No it's okay! Thank you mister!
...
Of course man. Any time. I'll be right here if you need anything okay?
Ok!
...
Well, I guess that's that. We have a minute now, not that it's a bad thing. What should we do now? Cellphones are all down so we can't reach out to anyone. Cables in the ocean are probably cooked too so internets a dud. Do we just sit here? Yeah, I guess. Just grab a bench and be us for a bit. Music, NF, closed eyes and a good feeling, just us. Doesn't sound bad. I guess I have no real regrets, then. It was all just cause and effect, so might as well accept it. I had a good life. I knew good people. Think I produced good stories. Did some good things, although I did some bad too. I guess my only regret now is not seeing how One Piece ended. Oda, you've done it again. Whether the big man and I have our chat doesn't matter too much to me now. We got to have our talk, and we got to watch. I'd dare say that's enough. Cheers! To the end of the world.
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