I'm a rigger living in Green Bay. I used to live in Buffalo as a teacher, but now I live in Green Bay. Before moving, I lived in Buffalo my whole life. Now I've been in Green Bay for a year. Just needed a change of pace.
Please stop running
Being a rigger is good work. I make enough. I can keep my head down and get through the day. Coworkers are blue-collar conspiracy theorists, but I don't talk to them much. My boss pays me on time, and I get cardio in. Sometimes I miss working with kids, sure, but I think I like this better.
Come back home
I just live by myself. Don't want any roommates. Kind of hard with a one bedroom apartment, yknow? And I mean, these days people are crazy! I could be living with an insane person, not even know it. Might get lonely some days, but I prefer solitude right now.
We miss you
I spend most weekends at the bar. There's a nice little saloon near my apartment. Free pool past midnight. I was never much of a pool player before, but I've played a lot since moving here. Not too much else going on. I'll play with a few guys. They're all friends. They adopt me for a game or two of pool, but not much else. They seem like good company.
We forgive you
I don't meet too many folks. People approach me at the bar, sure, but they're not really my type. Everyone here's really blue collar, yknow? Nothing against it, just not my speed. Couldn't deal with it.
Please forgive yourself
My drink of choice is whisky. Has a nice taste to me, gives a good buzz. Gets me going easy. Wouldn't say I'm a heavy drinker. Most the time I'll have 3 or 4 drinks, play some pool, and call it a night. Just nothing else to do in this town. Not into recreational stuff these days, or art. Just want to have my drink and call it for the night. Wouldn't say that's too much to ask for, right?
I want you to be okay
1:00 am on Saturday night, with a 60 hour work week just finished. Murphy is getting home after a few drinks and some pool. He reaches into his pocket and fumbles around, trying to find his keys. He pulls them out, misses the key hole a few times, and turns the lock. He pushes his weight against the door tripping a bit while letting himself in, barely catching himself before he falls. He straightens up and closes his apartment door behind him. He throws his keys on the kitchen counter and slumps onto his couch before turning on the TV, flipping through the channels until he finds the sports network. It's playing old highlights from old golf matches. Murphy pushes himself up and stumbles to the kitchen. He opens his pantry and eyes a half eaten bag of all dressed lays. He pauses, remembering how much he hates all dressesd, before grabbing it and munching anyway. He slops back onto the couch and watches the golf, the legendary moments flashing in front of him as his eyelids get heavier. He falls asleep, dropping the all dressed onto the floor, his TV still on.
"Hey, Murphy."
"Hey, Lindsey. We're doing this again?"
"Yeah, we are."
"Alright then."
Murphy and Lindsey stare at each other in silence for a while. Murphy sits while Lindsey stands.
"How are you doing? How's Jeff?"
"Same old. He's a great dad."
"I'm sure he is. I'm happy for you."
"Thank you."
Murphy looks away and exhales. Lindsey maintains unblinking eye contact.
"I miss you."
"That's nice."
Lindsey leans back, still maintaining eye contact. Murphy glances at her from time to time.
"I am sorry for what I did."
"I know."
Murphy tenses. Lindsey keeps on looking.
"I prayed to god, yknow. That you'd be okay. I'm glad you are."
"I've been worse. How are you doing?"
"I'm holding up. I play pool. Made a few friends at the bar. Don't see them anywhere else, though."
"They find out what you did?"
"No, no they didn't. They don't have to."
"Don't you think they deserve to know?"
Murphy shifts his neck around.
"I don't know if they do. I just play pool with them."
"Oh come on, you don't want to lie to them do you?"
Murphy looks away, thinking.
"The guilts going to eat away at you until you say something."
Lindsey lets out a teethy smile. Murphy nudges around in his seat, his discomfort growing.
"You're right. I have to tell them. It's not fair to them."
"I know. Have a goodnight, Murph."
Lindsey gets up and turns to walk away.
"You're leaving already? We just got here."
Lindsey chuckles.
"It was nice seeing you, Murphy. Same time next week?"
Murphy wakes up on the couch. He fights the sleep holding his eyelids shut, blinking a few times once he finally gets them open. The sun is up, bringing with it a warm and fuzzy feeling, much to Murphy's dismay. He pushes the feeling aside, twists his neck, looks at a clock on his wall, and sees he slept in till noon. He doesn't have work today, so he picks up the bag of chips, grabbing the chips that fell on the floor. He throws away the floor chips and crumples up the bag before placing it back in the pantry. He reaches in his pocket and pulls out his phone. Two texts from his mom asking how he is. He turns off his phone, gets off the couch, and grabs the keys off the kitchen counter, rummaging around until he finds his grocery list. He throws on some deoderant, black jeans, a black shirt, blue baseball cap and a red flannel. He steps into some runners and heads out the door, locking it on his way out.
Murphy goes through another week of work, another night of soreness, and start another weekend with a night at the bar. He takes five shots this time to help with the soreness before playing pool with the guys.
"Hey guys, I have something to tell you."
Murphy tells them. The guilt washes over him. His guilt turns to anxiety, and his anxiety turns to panic. Murphy bolts out of the bar. He runs down the street, headed for home with the alcohol in his system. One of the guys tries following him, but can't keep up.
On his way home, Murphy trips and falls on the ashphalt road. His phone falls out of his pocket, pebbles falling into his cheek. He stands up, brushes them off, and picks his phone up. Two missed calls from his mother and five more texts.
"Honey?"
"Just saw the club you always wanted. Thinking of you!"
"Jill says hello! Your sister is graduating high school soon. You should come visit! I'll buy you the ticket!"
"Hope you're doing okay." "I love you."
Murphy stumbles back into his apartment, throws his keys on the kitchen counter, grabs the same all-dressed chips from last week, and turns on the TV. He flips to the sports network, and dozes off again.
"Hey, Murphy."
"Hey, Lindsey. We're doing this again?"
"Yeah, we are."
"Alright then."
Murphy sits down. Lindsey stands, pacing a little.
"How'd your new friends take the news?"
"Bad. I had to bolt out of there."
"Right. Think they'll still be buddy buddy with you?"
"I don't know. Can't exactly go back there now."
"Guess you'll need to find a new bar."
Lindsey chuckled.
"You found a new home, so it can't be that hard, can it?"
"This isn't home."
"Sure it is! Home is where the heart is. Here, your heart won't hurt anyone else. Here, you won't hurt everyone around you."
Lindsey turns around and walks away.
"It was nice seeing you, Murphy. Same time next week?"
Murphy wakes up on the couch, chips scattered on the ground. He crumbles the bag, throws out the chips that fell out, throws on new clothes, and heads for the grocery store.
The following Wednesday, Murphy is on lunch break, watching the crane operator lift a few huge metal pipes from one spot to the next while two others roped down each pipe. He made a salami sandwich and tried keeping the construction-site sand off his lunch. He was sat next to a fence, when two people walked towards him.
"Murphy?"
Murphy turned around and saw two of his friends from the bar standing behind the fence, Casius and Royce.
"Oh, hey guys. How's it going?" "We're doing alright, man. How're you?"
"I'm okay. Just another day living the dream."
"Hell yeah man. You doing better after Saturday night?"
"Yeah a bunch of us were concerned when you bolted. Saw the look in your eye. Wasn't pretty."
Murphy was taken aback. He nearly dropped his sandwich.
"O-oh. Yeah no I'm okay. Works keeping me busy."
"I know it's tough dealing with our past, but you're alright man."
"Yeah man, none of us are judging. We all have shit to work on."
Murphy feels tears welling in his eyes. He tries holding them in.
"Thank you guys. That uh, really means a lot."
"Are we seeing you Saturday? Pools on me."
"Yeah, yeah I'll see you guys there. I gotta get back to work, but I'll be in touch."
"Awesome man. Can't wait bro we'll be waiting."
His two friends walk away. Murphy lets a few tears go, moving his sandwich so it stays dry. He cries for a good few minutes before getting back to work.
Saturday rolls around. Murphy goes to the bar, where his new friends are waiting. They praise and welcome him, dapping him up and buying him shots. Murphy only takes two shots before playing in every game of pool. They all stay until closing. Murphy, being the most sober of the group, orders cabs for each of his friends. He makes sure they all get in to their cabs before getting in a cab with Casius, who drank the most. Once they arrive at his home, Murphy helps walk him in, grabs him water, and sets him down for the night. As Murphy heads for the door, Casius calls to him.
"Hey, Murphy man."
"Yeah?" "You're a really great guy. I fuckin love you man. Glad I met you brother."
Murphy smiles.
"You too, Casius. Fucking love you, too. See you next weekend."
Murphy walks home. It was a forty minute walk, but Murphy takes in the scenary. He observes the city and appreciates the beauty he'd never seen before. He finally gets home, fumbles open his door, and passes out on the couch.
"Hey, Murphy."
"Hey, Lindsey. We're doing this again?"
"Yeah, we are."
"Alright then."
Lindsey stands up. Murphy stands up to face her.
"Someone had a good night I see. How was the scenic route?"
"You were wrong. I didn't hurt them."
"Congratulations. A bunch of drunk dudes in a bar forgave you for something you didn't do to them. You want a medal?"
"I found friends. I made connections. I found people who don't hate me."
"Slow your role, tiger. Just cause a bunch of dudes at a bar hang with you doesn't mean your slates clean. Give yourself some time. I'm sure you'll outdo yourself."
Murphy walks right up to Lindsey, staring her down.
"I guess we'll see."
Lindsey backs up a little, shock on her face. The shock turns to a sarcastic grin.
"It was nice seeing you, Murphy. Same time next week?"
It's a cool Thursday. Murphy is at the worksite. He gets a buzz on his phone. He finishes carrying the pile of bricks he had and checks it. His mom texted again.
"Jill's graduation is next weekend... I bought you a ticket if you want it. It's not refundable. You don't want me to waste money right? No pressure!"
Murphy smiles, and remembers his mom. This is exactly her.
"I'll think about it. I love you mom."
"I love you too honey. We miss you."
Saturday comes by. Murphy makes his way to the bar and sees his friends. He greets them all, dapping a few up and ordering a round of beers.
"Someone's in a good mood."
Murphy's now best friend of the group walks over.
"Hey, Casius, can we sit and talk for a sec?" "Yeah sure, Murph, no problem."
Murphy and Casius sit at a table a bit further from the rest of the guys.
"So what's going on man?"
Murphy takes out his phone. He shows Casius the texts.
"What about it? You're going aren't you?"
Murphy pauses.
"I..."
"You're scared you'll see Lindsey."
Murphy looks down.
"...yeah. Deathly scared. After everything, I don't want to put that woman through more. If she sees me, it could bring all the memories back. I can't do that to her. And my family! They had to deal with it for years! How am I supposed to live in their home again after... after..."
"After your alcoholism?"
Murphy riggles in discomfort.
"Yes. After everything over the years, how can I just fly back into their lives?" "Because you're their kid, man. They love you. They'll forgive you."
Murphy sighs, dropping his body with shame.
"It's not their forgiveness you're worried about."
Murphy nods.
"You just have to forgive yourself, Murph. Everyone around you might not, but you owe it to the ones who do to keep going."
Casius puts his hand on Murphy's shoulder.
"It'll all be okay."
The group drinks, plays pool, and has drinks. Murphy limits himself to just the one beer before going hard in pool. He wins every game he plays. He makes sure everyone gets home safe, and walks home to his apartment. Once home, he texts his mom.
"I'll see you next weekend. Thanks for this mom."
Murphy puts his phone on the table, grabs a bag of all-dressed lays which is his favourite, turns on golf highlights, and dozes off once again.
"Hey, Murphy."
"Hey, Lindsey. We're not doing this again."
"Yeah, we are."
"No, we're not."
Lindsey sits, laying her body back. Murphy stands, looking down on her.
"So, now what? What happens when you see me?"
"I don't know. I hurt you, and I know I did. I was a terrible boyfriend. But I will make it up to you. I'm going to get my alcohol under control, and I'm going to take back my life."
Lindsey rolls her eyes.
"As if. How many years did you fuck with me? You think five years goes away? Fat chance I forgive you."
"You don't have to. I mistreated you, there's no making up for that. I just have to forgive myself."
Murphy turns to walk away.
"Where do you think you're going? You think we're done here? After everything you did? Get back here! You don't deserve anything!"
Murphy stops, and looks at Lindsey one more time.
"It was nice seeing you, Lindsey. I'll see you next weekend."
Murphy woke up the following morning. He washed dishes which sat in the sink for weeks, cleaned his room, turned his cable off, arranged his pantry and even cleaned the bathroom. He got dressed nice and proper and went to work, the sun shining just a bit brighter than the weeks previous.
The weekend rolled around. Murphy hoped Casius would tell the guys why he wasn't at the bar that weekend. After packing a week's worth of clothes he didn't need, he boarded the plane. The flight was four hours, so Murphy kept an old sketchbook he used to draw in with him in the seat. He listened to music, looked at his old work, and started drawing in the few remaining pages. Murphy finally felt a spark to draw after so many years. He was proud of himself.
And so, Murphey flew back home.
Murphey landed in Buffalo a day before his sister's graduation. His mom came to pick him up at the airport. They hugged. She cried. He cried. He apologized. She forgave. They caught up. Murphey told her about his new friends and how he really did like construction work. His mom talked about her new favourite TV show about a criminal profiler uncovering her past family life and how excited she was to retire once she didn't have to support Jill in school anymore. He told her he was working on his addictions. She said she believed him, and said no alcohol while he was here. He smiled, and agreed.
They arrived at his childhood home. Jill was inside waiting with their dad. Murphey knocked on the door, and Jill opened it. Her eyes shined like the stars.
"OH MY GOD! WHAT'RE YOU DOING HERE!"
Jill jumped into him with a hug, their dad coming into view from deeper in the home with a big smile in his face. Jill started shedding tears. Murphy did too.
"We missed you so much..."
Jill wept. Murphy wept. They stayed there, at the front door, hugging until the day turned dark.
"I'm so sorry. you guys. I'm so sorry for everything I did. I'm so, so so sorry."
"We forgive you, Murph."
The family went into the house and sat together in the living room. Jill talked about her new girlfriend and what she wanted to do after school. Murphy eagerly listened to every word. Their dad talked about local politics and how, thankfully, the world was turning a little more left than it was the day before. Their mom gossiped about the ladies at her work and how bad they were at their jobs. Murphy listened and smiled.
"What about you, son?"
"I...."
Murphy didn't know what to add. All this time, he'd just been living day to day, running from home.
"I'm just happy to be home."
Murphy's dad got up from the chair he was sitting in. He came over, sat next to Murphy, and hugged him.
"Thank you, for coming home."
Jill graduated the next day. The family rushed to get out the door in time. Everyone panicked about what to wear and where to sit, especially Murphy's dad. When they got to the venue, the line was long with a doors opening in ten minutes. Everyone realized they had nothing to worry about. Murphy and his parents found seats in the middle. They cheered as Jill walked down the aisle and received her diploma, with Murphy cheering the loudest, Jill shooting him an embarrased look. The ceremony ended and the family gathered outside to take photos. Murphy smiled big, until he saw a familiar face. Lindsey's little cousin Jerome was graduating this year, too, so there she was. The two made eye contact. Murphy froze up, trying to look away. He looked in the opposite direction until he felt a tap on his shoulder. Murphy turned to see the real Lindsey for the first time in years.
"Hey, Murphy."
"Hey, Lindsey. We're doing this?"
"Yeah, I think we are."
"Alright then."
Lindsey and Murphy stepped away from their families. Lindsey waved to Jeff, motioning that it was okay.
"You look good, Murph."
"Thanks Indy, you do too. Marriage seems to be treating you well."
"Yeah, Jeffs really great. He's really good with kids."
"They aren't mine right?"
"No Murph, they're not. I'd be on your ASS for child support if they were."
Murphy errupted laughing.
"Yeah, yknow what that's fair."
"How've you been, Murph?"
Murphy paused.
"I'm okay. I'm not up to much right now. Just working really."
"How's the alcohol stuff?"
"You mean the stuff that ruined our relationship?" "That would be the stuff."
"I'm getting better. Drinking less, slowly. I used to get hammered every weekend, but the last few I've gotten tuned it down. Life's been better since then. I'm doing okay."
Lindsey smiled.
"That's all I ever wanted for you, Murph."
Lindsey leaned in and hugged him. Murphy stood still as a rock for a second before hugging her back.
"You should come back home. We all really miss you. No one made a better sub around here."
Murphy smirked.
"I appreciate it, but I'm starting to come around on the life I have out there."
Lindsey smiled from ear to ear.
"Well, as long as you aren't running anymore."
The two of them walked back to the now cluster of families and talked. Jeff hugged Murphy, and the kids gave him high fives. The two families went for dinner and drinks. Murphy was banned from drinks, but he ate like a king for the first time in years. Everyone said goodbye at the end of the night, and Murphy promised to swing by for dinner before he went back to Green Bay. Him, Lindsey and Jeff exchanged numbers and promised to stay in touch.
"It was nice seeing you this weekend, Lindsey. I'll see you later."
He slept in his childhood home that night. For the first Saturday in a long time, Murphy slept peacefully.
In this story, Murphy was forgiven. That won't always happen.
For anyone reading this who has wrong someone they love,
Understand it won't always be a happy ending.
That's okay.
Sometimes we make mistakes. As long as you do your best,
You are worthy of forgiving yourself.
-Kodra
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