Hello. It has been a long time since I've sat down and tried writing something organized with the intention of publishing it. I had a big story sometime in 2022 I fell in love with, but could barely get past the intro. I was working on a piece about faith, but I ran into some roadblocks with it. I also have a giant notepad of scenes written down and edited that would be perfect for a One Piece level odyssey.
All that's nice, but this is the first piece I've sat down and written in a while that I've been super invested in on an emotional level, and it is because it's about my own personal problems. I haven't been emotionally invested in some time because my life has gotten so much better as of recent. School and the people that came with it have been awesome, smash has been great, I've gotten into reading raves and rediscovery walks, and most recently, I got a girlfriend. Or maybe she got me? I dunno.
All that to say I haven't felt strong, internal problems in a long time. But this, this is a weak one that has always been in the background since, hell I don't know, Kindergarten? Been a long time. It blew up bigtime today, and then I saw a movie that could help me synthasize it, so here I am.
This story is about lack of belonging, and about uncomfortable and fast change. I hope you enjoy, -Kodra
Ps. I don't think I'm god, it's just a writing device :)
Omnipotence doesn't suit me. I am a god, or something like that, but I don't feel like one. I birthed and expanded the universe, sure. I have infinite knowledge about every future outcome, sentient being, quark and atom, and just, everything, sure. I have done this trillions of uncountable times, even though I know the number, sure. But still, despite it all, I do not feel like a god. What is a god supposed to be? Some big, uncaring thing who creates and leaves? An iron-fisted deity demanding obedience? A friend to all of his creation? I suppose I'm the only one who can answer it, and I've been them all, so I should know the anwer right? Me, the nameless god who did it all, I should know, right? I do not.
I made man in my image the first time. That was probably the closest I ever felt to being a god. They say god is the universe and that he creates it. Guess they'd be right. When I made man, I didn't physically make him the universe, but mentally? They weren't just the universe, they were everything that could possibly be. I related to them. They saw what I saw. They saw the possibilities of creation sort of like how I did! Not just through watching the universe I built for them, but through science, through art, through fiction, through imagination! They saw it all!
I miss them. I think I do, at least. Maybe I only miss the feeling of them. I knew them better than they knew themselves, but I didn't know them. They were only human, and I am god. What the hell was I supposed to do, stroll in and make conversation? They theorized about me, about what I could be. Few of them got pretty close, too. Like Allison, like Hiro. I miss them. Missed watching them grow, not really knowing what they'd turn out to be, even though I knew the whole time.
Eventually, their golden universe stopped supporting them. Even as some of their kind survived to the whole end of it, they couldn't escape the end. All good things do come to an end, you see. For life to continue, it has to change, and sometime life needs death, even for me. Even for me.
So, I made man in my image once more in the next universe. He wasn't the same, but it wasn't in a bad way. These ones were so much less serious. Their society obsessed with the comedy of it all, even though they all had an end goal. It was so different, and once again, even though I knew what their future would become, I didn't truly know. It was so gorgeous.
Then the universe ended, and once again, change struck.
Sometimes I wonder if there's a god out there more potent than me, because even I can't keep the universe going forever. It ends in the same bang that it starts with. This god, change, would have to be responsible. But isn't that so human of me? To blame a force I do not understand on a higher being I cannot imagine? Does that make it less valid? Oh, how very human.
Everything I make, every beautiful universe, and every beautiful thing in it, I do not regret it. I do not dare squander the experience when I'm there, but when I'm not, what am I left with besides these feelings? What is a god to do when his creation always leaves him? What is a god to do when he cannot connect to what he has made? Humans call this a lack of belonging.
It's so funny to me. I see people tell each other they don't feel they belong, but look how much they had in common! Look how much history you share. You all look so close. So why do you feel alone? But then, why do I?
This is the cycle of godhood. I imagine and create, and I inadvertently destory. But is it truly my fault? Some universes I tried to hold on to. Some I extended, gave some more light here, more galaxies there, whatever. Didn't change the result, obviously. Why does change come, and how do I stop it? How do I create the universe I belong in?
This universe was another attempt. U- 380994128844100209388477123323748199049476283939864627172388488576251476094257611833029135234179039745415327910394769. It was beautiful just as every other. I stand at its edge as I have every other time. I even gave myself a physical form to watch the next universe come. My, I hadn't even noticed! I chose Hiro's body to watch. A throwback to my first universe.
Why do I find myself still thinking of Hiro? Why do I always find myself reflecting on my past lives? My brain connects one thought to the next, until I land on memories. I remember good times. I remember bad. It happened just there, too! I remember what happened and how I felt. Why can't I just stay in that space? Why must things end?
Well, here I am. Edge of the universe. I can take as much time here as I want, in this dead realm of memories. Eventually, though, the wheel must turn, and the next universe must come, where I will live once again, where everything will, and we will all try again to belong.
It is absurd, though. I've made it to the edge of the universe all those times. I've scoured each galaxy, and filled it and myself with memories until I reach the very end of it. But that end always comes, and the lack of belonging always stays.
How many times will the cycle repeat until I make something I can belong in?
This is always the hardest part. Saying goodbye. I always say goodbye, to every universe. If I cannot have belonging, I can have goodbyes. So I say goodbye, to another universe. Thank you for the memories.
The next universe will be full of beings who feel like me. The chances of finding belonging for all life are so small, but that doesn't mean it's impossible. I am god, and I haven't given in hope, so I hope they don't either, even though I know they won't. We will all find the place we belong one day, and even if it ends, we will still have the memories of it, each and every one of us. Even if change is a stronger force than me, I will not fight it. I will simply ask my questions, grieve, and continue until I belong.
Until the next U niverse.
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